1 Article + prompt + confusion (disorganized attachment) = today's blog (What makes your heart happy? What gives you the greatest thrills?)

 Obviously from the title this is going to be a doozzzzyyy, I want to talk more about disorganized attachment and I want to do my prompt and I want to talk about my article I read. Additionally, I want to speak about my therapist.

I am going to list what makes my heart happy because I love the flutter I get when I am actually happy:

1. Hearing my niece and nephew laugh and seeing them grow up :-) 
2. Talking to my sister
3. The perfect Fall weather
4. BIRTHDAY CAKE 🎂 with sprinkles :-)
5. Hanging out with friends
6. Hearing the person you like laugh at something you said / or the person you're with happy :-)
7. When someone remembers something small about you 
8. A good workout 
9. A great tasing Cosmo
10. Dumplings 🥟
11. When I feel confident (which today I felt very self conscious which happens more times than I like to admit...I felt very aware of myself today. Like having an outer body experience....)
12.  Coloring books (Idk if I said this blog but I love coloring it is so fun) I love a craft
13. The smell of books
14. A Charlie Brown Christmas (love it watch it all the time)
15. Hugs :-)
16. Holidays in general :-) love love love the feeling and I can't wait to decorate my tree I am thinking classic colors red, green and white :-) with some tinsel this year 

Idk what gives me a thrill I tend to avoid those. I get nervous when I feel a lot of emotions which brings me to my disorganized attachment style. I spoke to my therapist and one of the characteristics is that we 'fear closeness'....I am feeling kinda sad today so I have been going over my  relationships I have with people I wish I could get close and not always speak about superficial things. I think for me it’s like once I think someone is judging me then I retreat into the shell. I thought I had met someone who felt as deeply as me...but maybe I mistook their insightfulness.  Ah well...so something else I researched is the link that sociopaths and disorganized attachment styles have or even if there is a link at all. If not treated properly it can flourish into ASPD ... I do not think I have that clearly but I have a hard time building connections  (whether romantic or otherwise). Also, I will do anything to avoid social interactions. She also stated that those with DAS have parents who did not connect with us (me) so that is also why I may have a harder time. 

However, while I appreciate her candor she is too focused on dating for me which is not my main priority at the moment.  I may give her one more session...or I may cancel it before....

** I published this then I wanted to list the disorganized attachment style traits so I can kinda bold the ones that I do have:

1. Having unstable sense of self
2. Difficulty trusting others
3. Unstable relationships
4. Fear of intimacy
5. Inconsistent behavior 
6. Difficulty regulating emotions
7. Sensitive to perceived rejection 
8. Unsolved trauma
9. Difficulty with boundaries
10. Persistent feelings of emptiness
11. Impulsivity or reckless behavior
12. Difficulty with self reflection 
13. Feelings of anger towards care givers

Actually I will not bold the traits I have it is very hard to see it head on lol 

Did Racial Capitalism Set the Bronx on Fire? *** really good article about the 1970s - 1980s Bronx fires. Recommended readings: America On Fire

P.S I really am thinking about getting the DSM to learn more about psychological disorders. I need to know everything. 

P.P.S My niece is starting to take more pictures of the sky and it is so precious :-) love her. 

P.P.P.S Sorry about missing 5 days :-( 

"Apart from you, I have nothing to find and nothing to lose. You, my despair, are at the same time my whole future, in other words ー my hope." - Marina Tscetaeva