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I am bitch and all that come before me

 I am committing to finishing bell hooks this week, I want to start Giovani's Room by James Baldwin. So I am reading bell hooks and it according to me that while I have heard and understood what 'self actualized' means I only know it by my context clues  definition  and not the textbook definition.   Self actualized: means realizing and fulfilling your unique potential, creative abilities and your personal desires. (Coined by Kurt G.) Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a conceptualization of needs  that motivate human behavior. I needed to write this definition because I wanted to talk about what I am reading and I did not want to discuss without knowing what I am talking about.    "Young women want to embrace the "hard bitch" image because it keeps them from having to confront the pain that comes when females are pain that comes when females are punished for choosing to be self-actualized and successful."  What we do think, are we embracing...
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1. Who are you and whom do you love?

We think about ourselves in such a finite way that it does not occur that we are changing even if we do not realize. So I am asked, "Who am I?" and what adjectives do I say? What can I think? My first adjectives are kind, thoughtful, and funny. I do not say if I am smart or intelligent. I say well-read and then name my favorite book and recite a line from my fav poem Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman or Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath. I would say I have 2 older sisters, a niece and a nephew (who are great and wonderful and inspire me to to be better.) I would say I am in graduate school and that if I had to go to school again I would do Sociology/Political Science. Or maybe be an Art Conservator. I could say that I am super shy and a little bit awkward. I would say that I like to play Animal Crossing, Sims and do  Sudoku. I do not like to cook but I try to every day. It is hard for me to buy furniture because I am indecisive. I love the colors yellow, pink and gold. I am eager to buy the cutest quilt from Urban Outfitter. I love love love love duck shaped things. I also say that I have a façade where I am rough and have a hard shell. I have a hard time being vulnerable and I love an after work nap. I think vulnerability is brave and I am not courageous right now. I live for the present but have a hard time letting of the past and thinking far too much in the future. 

I love my family and the few friends that I have.  I love the friends I am going to have and I love the tv shows I watch. I love my interests and have love for my goals. I love my handwriting and the coloring books and coloring pencils I have. I love playing Wordle when I get it right, lol. I also love when I make people laugh or when people make me laugh. I love random acts of kindness. I love peace.  I love the morning dew. I love when the world is quiet and I wish I would have appreciated lockdown more. I love the books I read and the books my Uncle sends me. I love the future and finding peace for the past. 

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Now since that prompt is over with, I worked out today. I also did not eat dinner since I feel full from my lunch still. I am having conversations about FWBs and I am not too sure I want to participate in them. I have vowed to be single for the next year or year and a half. I want to ensure I am giving my next person the best version of me. I was not a good girlfriend and I want to ensure I understand how to put more effort and stop having tunnel vision. I also watched Derry Girls and now I am watching Murder She Wrote. This weekend I felt average. I also do not know if that is a true emotion. I felt average in thought in feeling and in looks. I also feel sad for my 17 year old self, because what if I did succeed in _______ and now I am living what my life would be life and I did not even attempt ______. I am glad it did not work. I suppose that I can end off on a quote about hope or melancholy. I am going to read tonight after I take a shower. This week I am going to Houston and I am going to eat and be merry. 

"A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves of it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke." -- Vincent Van Gogh

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