"What are some ways I can prioritize my physical health and well-being, without falling into the trap of diet culture or body shaming?', One night with Venus, a lifetime with Mercury', new Frankenstein movie, dinner, observations and picturess!! and small philosophy lesson
I do not know if I have said something in this blog about my workout schedule or about what I have been doing, what my goals are and how I feel about them. I want to get more tone and lean. I go to hotworkx only on Saturdays and Sundays, strength train and run. On the weekends I workout twice cardio and strength training, HIIT (Hot Thunder & Hot Blast) and either Hot ISO, Hot Core, Hot Glutes, Hot Warrior. I do not weigh myself, I do not measure myself with the tape. I track my calories, I only eat one sweet treat, I do not drink soda, stopped eating chips and try to have a vegetable a day. I use a pre-diabetic plate and I feel good. I have been losing weight. However I am not confident in my body, not comfortable with myself. I am learning and working but it is hard. I do not like my arms, my stomach, my acne, how big my thighs are, the size and shape of my feet, my lips when I talk, my voice, my teeth the color of my nails, how saggy my boobs are, how board my shoulders are. I do not know what I like about myself some days other than my smile and eyes.
I try not fall victim to body shaming or self depreciation but it is hard. I hope I can look back on this blog this time next year and like all the thing about my body that I do not like.
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Okay, okay, okay. I do not want to center any blog about a guy or any type of dating / content when I am not dating just yet or if ever. I am on Hinge but in a superficial sense. Anyways, the guy at work has a girlfriend. I am typing this because I need to be okay with that. I also wish I did not think about him when I know he does not think about me. I wish there was to do that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where I erase the interactions I thought were meaningful. He calls me dimwitted and alludes to me 'not working my mind' because I refuse to open up, I refuse to allow someone who does not see me into my world of wonder. Needless to say that I am okay. My therapist says "take someone for their word" so it does not matter if his actions might suggest or even his eyes of a wanton man, his words are harsh, unkind or not positive. I will end this thought with this: I am worthy to be loved and I will accept love when it is given to me. I will pour into those who pour into me.
I am watching the newest version of Frankenstein and I like it! However it is brining up my interpretation of shame. In the book, I felt that Victor was shamed of what he created, what he had done, created what some deemed a monster. In the movie, it was anger but can anger stem from shame. The movie has a lot of allegory. Having the creature read the Bible in the movie, the beginning of creation when he himself is a beginning of creation is interesting. The best thing about Frankenstein is the vivid description of the environment even in the movie the background is breathtaking. So in the movie, it takes place in the during a syphilis outbreak. According to an article I read, they used mercury to treat syphilis so in the Frankenstein movie a character Victor's friend / funder and Elizabeth's uncle has the sores on his face and he says, "One night with Venus, a lifetime with Mercury." It also bring up the Tuskegee Experiment where 100 African American men who already had syphilis did not get treated with penicillin because scientist wanted to see the affects of untreated syphilis. Additionally, when the men went untreated women had children who got syphilis and this creating a horrible cycle.
Okay, so something else I wanted to talk about it was my philosophy book. Living in pleasure it has a chapter about success and what it looks like for an Epicurean. According to the author, many students do not like Epicurus because he feels that "...that things that involve "intense effort" or "intense struggle" are unnecessary..." and to them that alludes to not trying hard, not being ambitious, not being determined. However that is not what Epicurus meant he aims to eliminate anxiety and for us to focus on satisfaction rather than success. To Epicurus "satisfaction is a feeling or attitude that express a limit or endpoint, that we have enough" that there is an endpoint. So in my effort to be more satisfied I try to remember that at one point I wanted all what I have now and that what more am I aiming that can be done instantaneous vs something that takes time ( like graduating, getting my first career field job). As I continue to move in the world, I want to continue to ask myself, "What does enough look like, feel like and once I have it how will I maintain it?"
I also read an fascinating article about Nietzsche and Dali and how Dali was inspired by Nietzsche. Nietzsche's Birth of a Tragedy talks about Apollonian and Dionysus. How people tended to look at Dionysus as "immoral" because he was the patron of wine, religious ecstasy, absurdity, emotions, passions, vitality, instinct, and irrationality. Apollonian artist tended to follow the standards or society, control, discipline, obey the law. However for Nietzsche, a blend of Apollo and Dionysus paired in an archetype that can create beautiful art. To be Dionysus follow is to think beyond the limits of what is, much like Dali. Dali sought to paint beyond what the mind can see, to think of our subconscious as a new world. Dali linked much of his art back to certain Nietzsche's theories. I read this article in hopes to understand Dali and Surrealism art more. I hope to be able to explore my subconscious in a way that allows me freedom.
I think that is all for today blog. Today is Sunday! I think in order to maintain some sort of schedule I will have to do (meaning blog) every Sunday if I do not get to write in the middle of the week. I wanted to make sure I am remembering my therapy sessions better and writing that what she tells me so I can make sure I am following her insight.
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