4. How will you live now?

 Good question, insightful, thought provoking and requires honesty. I will live well and try to ensure I do not leave people in pain. I remember something saying "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices" --- John Green. So I hope to not hurt anyone on purpose. I also want to live by how I feel and not  by age. I also can do another quote but I want to make sure I am speaking from my heart and not allowing quotes to guide my thoughts. I want to live peacefully and know that I am helping my fellow man. I want to live being proud of who I am, who I was and who I am going to be. I want to live not as nervously and not full of overthinking. Tonight I want to live by doing something for my apartment which is cleaning it!! I am happy to get this prompt it allows me continue thinking about how I am living now and how I want to live. 

_____

OKAYYY an we are back. I liked that prompt, I wonder if what I am typing is too short. I am now thinking about how to live and how to be better. I want to make more women friends, I think I am going to try Bumble BFF. I want to start curating a beautiful circle of friends so I can start vacationing with women again. ( no offense Pierre). (aka my BFF4L) Also my ex (need to find a new name) does not want to speak to me for a while after my trip to Houston. I understand where he is coming from, he needs to understand that I do not feel those romantic feelings anymore because of what transpired. However, I want to make it clear that I love him but I do not think I was ever in love him. I thought I was at first, but after the consistent cheating I stayed because I was embarrassed. Then I stayed because I saw potential. We broke up and got back together. I told him I was not ready to be a girlfriend but then when we got together it felt rushed. Does not matter now we do not go together. I want to tell my younger self "it's okay to get married but it is also okay to not want to" but I also spent my last blog talking about what I want in love, so I will not going go on another tirade. I want to make sure I speak more about me and who I am and what I want in life whether it be about love, career or friendships. I want to make friends who are cool and inspire me, who do not really care about social media but even if they do it is not in an annoying way, lol. I told someone about my blog and they wanted to read it. Nahhhhh I said this one is personal. I want to be able to share my thoughts, feelings and ideas. 

To get a little emotional I sometimes feel like a burden. I just feel like I bother people with my personality or asking them for favors.  I also feel like a burden when I have to speak about my feelings and I do not think someone is paying attention. I need to find a therapist that will be my end of the month goal.

"I feel frozen, standing, waiting for the lights to change. I hear nothing. I feel irrelevant. I feel dreamy. It is almost dream like, self-centered silence." - Daul Kim