11. How will you / have you prepare(d) for your death? + Uhmm a topic about friendships

 Do Not Stand Over My Grave and Weep by Clare Harner

Do not stand /  

By my grave, and weep 

I am not there, 

I do not sleep —

I am a thousand winds that blow 

I am the diamond glints in the snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am a gentle, autumn rain

As you awake with the morning's hush

I am the swift, up-flinging rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight, 

I am the day transcending night.

Do not stand

By my grave  and cry —

I am not there, 

I did not die. 

I do not know why I felt like that poem fit but it did. I remember reading that aloud in 10th grade. (soo pretentious (or maybe it was just meaningful to me at the time considering what transpired the very next year). I have not prepared for my death in a real sense but I imagine in my will I would want to be cremated and turned into a diamond but have it in my will that  I cannot be sold. I do not want to buried in the ground. This prompt made me think more about starting ROI and a 401k or maybe a part time job. Or maybe something to ensure I am doing something preparing for my death. I guess this would be a good time to **** I am going to be honest I got distracted and do not know where I was going with in this sentence I hope I can remember but probably not. 

** Also I started this July 6 however I got distracted so I will not finish it until July  7th when I get off of work. Sorryyyy 😞💀 (I can't wait to use more emojis, also a color font every now and then.). :-)

I just figured you can do that ^^^^^ omg this whole time I have been dashing (--) like that to break up or end the prompt.

 * it is July 7th and I am back. Also you cannot see that line  break thing so now I look insane. I wanted to speak or I want to speak about friendship since I think that is a beautiful thing. I have about 4 friends and I want more however I have a bad habit of isolating myself because I just do. I find my inner world to be rich. However, the friends I do I have I adore and would do anything for. I can remember having friends in third grade and getting bullied and them sticking up for me. I can remember feeling jealous when I was younger when I saw my friends getting other friends (thank God I am over that and I hope to teach my kids  how not to be jealous or envious). I remember having friends in fourth grade and those same friends bullying me and all throughout middle school and in 10th grade. I did not have any friends in 11th grade and went to online school for my senior year. I can remember feeling so out of body Freshman year in college and being myself which at the time was outwardly weird and thoughtful in a weird way. I have now settled in making friends every other year which has been working however this year idk if I am going to make a friend.

I feel like I am afraid to make friends because of just being in my head too much. I feel unheard most of the times and that the things I say are not important. I also do not stand up for myself enough, I just stop caring so maybe I switch to apathy after someone says something I do not like. I do not know if I this was the way to speak about friendships but I am sorry. I hope to make a good group of girlfriends soon or just one really really cool best friend and that they love me as much as I would love them. I hope to have laughs and smile and be cool and cry and go on vacation. I would like to read and be able to be non judgemental and do bar hopping, go to museums and go hiking. 

Also I have been wrestling in this in between feelings of being happy and sad more melancholy than anything I think. Also these blogs have typos but I always go back and fix them. I think I want to end the blog here for day. I am also almost finished my prompt thing but I think I am going to use this prompt book I have on my tv stand and do some like that. 

I read Metamorphosis by Franz Kanfa today and it was super sad. I enjoyed it thoroughly. It interesting and it made me almost cry. I will put my favorite quote: "I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself."

I want to summarize this book: George Samos is a salesman who lives with his mom, sister and dad and one day to woke up as a giant bug. Someone from his company comes to see why he did not catch the early train to work and when he comes his dad makes his sister grab a doctor and locksmith because George could not open the door. Eventually, he opens the door to show how he has transformed and his family keeps him locked away. His sister Greta takes care of him but he starts to notice that his family is quieter. They have to work harder because George cannot work anymore. One day Greta noticed that George wanted more space so she decided to move the furniture with the help of their mom. Their mom faints and as the sister is attempting to use salts to wake her, the dad walks in and blames George for what happened although it was not as bad but since Greta did not elaborate the dad assumed he harmed his mom. The dad starts throwing apples at George and one of them gets lodged into place. They started to keep George's room door open and he noticed that his sister was playing violin to their house guests who were renting. When George comes out, the renters get scared and demand that they do not want to stay any longer. In the end, his sister exclaims "That they could not look live like this anymore", George eventually goes back to his room and passes away because he felt that it was the final thing he could do for his family. 

"I think I've always been half out of my shell and half in. Sometimes I can be extremely wild and sometimes I can be extremely shy. It just depends on the day." — Emile Hirsch