12. What would you say if you could? + The Beat Generation + favorite season

• I would say, "I am sorry" because often I feel like I stick my foot in my mouth on accident. 
• I would say how I feel because I do not say that often. 
• I have been saying "I am sad" because I really am blog.
• I would tell my dad how he hurt my feelings but I know he would not care. 
• I would tell my mom I do not trust her because she often uses things for ammunition.  
• I would tell myself "be brave" because I have been self isolating a lot more in my last year of my 20s than I ever have and I do not know why. 
• I wish I could spill my soul without judgement but I think of the flood that might cause. 
• I would ask the world to stop fighting and to think about the future children and the current children. 
• I would ask God what is the purpose of life. 
• I would ask my ex why did he cheat on my so many times, why did he make it like it was my fault, why does he continue to try to express his feelings even after what transpired Dec 6. 
• I would ask anyone who ever had a crush on me why because sometimes I cannot even fathom people like me.

I think I would add more if I could but I think this is enough because I can get emotional when I think too long about unspoken words.

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I wanted to talk about The Beat Generation because I started thinking what black authors were published around that time. The Beat Generation was a subculture movement started by American authors and poets in the post WW2 era. Central elements in The Beat Generation were spirituality, drugs, alcoholism, catalyzing women's liberation and black liberation to name a few. I think what draws me to this particular era was the response to America. Their constant search for meaning resonates with me as I stated in earlier blog postings I am trying to find meaning in the meaningless which is how Absurdists think. They also struggle with finding their place in the world something I also feel like I have stated before. I think I relate more to things that have a sort of "otherness" to them, like "rejects" or "outcasts". I stick up for the underdogs and hope that one day we all feel welcomed. But this is about Black authors so let me list a few and attempt to add them to my ever growing reading list:

• Amiri Baraka (LeRoi Jones)
• Bob Kaufman (He is from NOLA) :-)
• Hettie Jones

These are only three that I could find mentioned on Reddit, in an article from Substack and I wanted to read another article however it was behind a paywall. 

There is a bookstore that is black owned and has  a James Baldwin influence to it. I wonder if they might have something from those authors in there. It would be nice to read more from Bob Kaufman since he is from NOLA. 

I do not know why I wanted to talk about Fall. I guess because I want this blog to be where I can speak about things that interest me and things that are small. I love Fall. I love the feeling of the cool air, I feel like I begin in Fall even though I am a Spring baby (which is really where things begin). I often feel the happiest when Fall comes, more settled, hopeful, renewed sense of purpose. I am glad by Fall I can say I almost made it through another year. I love Halloween, I love the holidays, I love the fall activities and this year will make an attempt to do more. Like pumpkin carving, going to a fair, going to see ATLA (which I am so excited about) even though it is coming out in 2026. (noooooooooo ugh). I am planning a small trip to DC this October so I can see how it is to live there. I hope that I can always feel this way about Fall. 

I think I am going to end the blog here tonight. I do want to say I cannot wait to graduate from graduate school because I am tired of not being in my chosen career field. I also want to say that I am grateful to have a job, grateful to be able to be in school, grateful to be able to learn and grateful to not be willfully ignorant. 

I also want to say I am on this new path where I do not always do things that are instantaneously gratifying. So I would like to take the weight loss drug but I am going to work out and continue to diet, implement running, implement Hotworkx (in August). I also like a slow burn............ which I guess is something I don't think I want to get into tonight. 

Also I got asked again for someone to read my blog but is it even worth it? I have to come back and fix whatever my grammatical errors are. But I am thinking about it. 

 "I crave affection; and run from it."