7. What do you remember about the earth? + rambles

     I remember the smell of fresh cut grass. I remember swimming the salty ocean with fish and stepping on sand dollars. I remember going to Louisiana National Parks and watching the Spanish moss sway on the trees. I can imagine the sunflower fields, the sprouts of wildflowers on the side of the road. I can hear the cicadas on a quiet evening in the country. When the sun is beaming I can feel its warmth and quietly thank it for helping the plants and trees. I am sitting under a tree during those rare cool Spring days watching a monarch butterfly flutter around. I am thinking about the sounds of thunder and how it is probably angels having a ball. I see lighting in the distance and hear rain quickly pour and I think of those dark gray clouds that loomed over the city. I think about the snow. How peaceful it can be and how beautiful a snowflake is when under a microscope. I hear dogs barking and people honking their horns to hurry home. I imagine purposefully waking up when I know the rest of the world is sleep and enjoying that quiet morning. I am thankful for all those sunrises and sunsets I saw. I think about how the sky produces colors that I cannot imagine. I am imaging the busy city life and how there are people who still feel alone. I think about when I lived in Hahnville and the sugarcane fields and the smell the air wafted when they were burnt in the winter. I am dreaming and walking through the oak trees in the park. I am standing next to a redwood in California. I am in Montana watching the calmness of the pastures. I am in Washington looking at Mount Helen. I am in Tennessee looking at the Appalachian mountains. I am in upstate New York going to Niagara Falls. I am now home in Metairie watching cars pass and thinking about nothing. 

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    This prompt was beautiful and hopefully I remembered the earth properly. I hope I am taking enough pictures of when I am moved by a beam of light. I do not know what to write about the rest of the blog. I am sad. 

    I feel much like a quote from Sylvia Plath,  “I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of the throat and I'd cry for a week.”

 I do not know if I can cry for a week but I know I can cry for a long time. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I am here and nowhere. I feel ambivalent and I feel a sense of not belonging.  I feel I am in my head and have created versions of people who are not real. I feel disheartened and want to hide for a week. I feel misunderstood and I feel that at all times even when I am trying to communicate. I feel not brave and (and whatever the synonyms are). I feel smart and dumb and mature and immature, young and old, eccentric and boring, electric and numb and all around confused. I feel raw from trying to think about everything and doing my best to think about nothing. I think about people who have it harder and I cry because they do not deserve it. I think about this idea I saw that the souls chooses the life. I wonder why my soul chose a life that I do not understand. I bawl for my younger self and I am sad for my present self. I am hopeful for my future and I hope I am doing her justice. I hope my soul knows I am trying. I am really sad and hope to get over it soon. Sorry this blog was not about anything too important. I remember saying I would write even on the days that do not make sense and today is one of those days.

I guess I do know why I am sad. I just do not want to say it. 

"Discover why you're important, than refuse to settle for anyone who doesn't completely agree." - Fisher Amelie

I came back to update that there is a quote from Twin Peaks that struck something deep within me: "Je suis une âme solitaire".