8. What are the consequences of silence? + a small introduction to poetry

 That is a good question and as someone who does not speak about certain things I would like to answer this prompt in a list.

1. You feel misunderstood
2. You get flustered easily unable to communicate effectively 
3. You feel judged when you do speak
4. You feel like no one cares
5. You feel like you live in a fantasy land
6. You feel disheartened when someone does not follow the "made up" script you created
7. MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMER !!!!!!!!
8. You become a shell 
9. You do not know who you truly are.

I have chosen a silence that is deafening. I have hid from vulnerable moments because I was not brave enough. I have shielded myself from intimacy afraid that my heart will crawl out my throat and walk away. I have craved a love that is tender and have experienced nothing but heartache. I have kept silent when I needed to stick up for myself. I have crawled to the crevices of my mind and hid behind people who are not real afraid of the ones I know. I have yearned for a comfortable silence but am afflicted with overthinking and over processing of my emotions. I have not learned yet how to be brave and honest about how I feel. 

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I liked the prompt for today. I truly believe I am silent now but it is more purposeful. I am trying to appreciate these moments of aloneness but wholly I am not lonely. :-) 

Okay, so poetry? I know I just talked about Romanticism but I used to write poetry when I was in my emo phase ha ha so it was quite depressing. I was in my laundry room and picked up my Walt Whitman book and it made me realize that 1. I need a bookcase & 2. I need to make sure I am reading more modern poetry so I subscribed to poetryfoundation.com for the daily poetry. It has been nice reading poetry from other decades or even this current one. I find that poetry like books should be read aloud so you can see why the writer broke the line up or added the comma there it helps create that world that the writer worked so hard to shape. I do not know what time period or what 'era' (?) Walt Whitman is from but after Googling and some reading he blended transcendentalism and realism together.  I want to talk about my favorite free verse poem by him Song of the Open Road. 

• "Still here I carry my old delicious burdens,/ I carry them, men and women, I carry them with me wherever I go,/ I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them,/ I am fill’d with them, and I will fill them in return."

I like that portion of the poem because it reminds me that while you can allow your burdens to determine where you go you do have a choice to not let them. 

• To know the universe itself as a road, as many roads, as roads for traveling souls. 

I     I  have been having an existential crisis when it comes to my purpose in life. I wonder why some people are here and other die. I wonder about the children who are experiencing soul crushing life altering pain and wonder why did that happen. Often we hear that we are made in the likeness of God. I cannot help but think of the people who are abusers, mean, racist, cruel and think about how many good people does it take for those bad parts to not be God's likeness. I think about when my soul goes from this body to the next will it remember the lessons I am hoping to teach it. I think Song of the Open Road had a lot my favorite quotes however to ensure this blog does not become a paper just two quotes will do. 

        

        I realize that I do not talk much about my day to day and just stick topics that interest me but I have a very chill every day. I am in school and decided to take a summer class.

"A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and in all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all knowing and therefore all of us need love and charity." - Eleanor Roosevelt 

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