9. Tell me what you know about dismemberment? + books + crushes

 Dismemberment:  noun

1. 1. the action of cutting off a person's or animal's limbs.

   "graphic pictures of torture and dismemberment"
2. 2.

   the action of partitioning or dividing up a territory or organization.

   "the dissolution and dismemberment of the British empire"

    That is what I know about dismemberment. Is there a figurative meaning that I am missing? Like dismemberment of the soul? Disconnecting the mind from your emotions so you can be more logical? Maybe I should look that up, I figured these prompts are not always meant to be taken soo literally but maybe give my interpretation of dismemberment.  I unfortunately have not thought it about this word too much. (Which in my opinion could be a good thing) Apparently there is a 'Shamanic dismemberment' which is the death of the ego to shed the old self and be reborn in a sense. I will link the article below. :-) In shamanic dismemberment a drastic shift will happen in the consciousness. Once that shift in consciousness occurs a larger shift in perspective will occur and a shift in how we inhabit our bodies will occur. (This idea that we are souls living in beings is something that I agree with then causes an existential crisis). Ultimately a shamanic dismemberment offers an opportunity to move beyond the fear of death to connect more deeply with the elements. I can certainly say I am not afraid of death however, I get said when I think about other dying. So maybe I am. It can be a good beginning or a good ending. I do not know what the prompt meant when they talked about dismemberment. As a result of shamanic dismemberment you come into more power (ones power). A restoration of energy, more jubilance in life or a restored sense of purpose. Now I wonder how how one gets to the step of shamanic dismemberment and what are the steps before and what happens once you shed your ego for something better getting  in tune with the senses of the world and elements around it. 

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     Okay I know I said I was going to talk about books but BUMP that topic for ONE second. Crushes SUCK no dramatics just the honest truth. I have NEVER   had a crush on someone who did not like me back YES LOWKEY BRAG  because I know how to flirt however this one crush I have did not / is not working out in my favor. Yeah I had a couple of mishaps when I stuck my foot in my mouth and yes I could have said what I meant but BLOG I have a shell when people see me too much. Not SEE me but sees me in a way where my inner self is unhidden so I got scared soo I become a self saboteur and now I am here writing about how crushes  SUCK.  I am just being dramatic okay so I gave him a pin with the number '13' because I thought it was nice. I was looking up white cat shaped things to get him for his birthday because I thought that would be kind but I could not find anything that was not miniature, so I was like okay maybe I can treat him to lunch  but he did not eat lunch with me last week. And we ate lunch together pretty much every day!! with some days off yeah but for the most part, I just thought I had a work friend but then when we did not eat lunch for a while I asked about it and was met with hostility (well with what I perceive as hostile tone) he could have taken the opportunity to say something nice but I cannot control what people say clearly. I could see how I acted but jesus can a girl be awkward??  a little off putting but in a charming way?? is that not """in""" everybody wants someone awkward until they actually SEE what being awkward entails and let us think of new adjective for awkward. Cringy? Otherworldly? Ethereal? Gauche?Ham-Fisted (this is two words that I did not think would be together but it works HAHA) I am a soft girly pop but so afraid to shed skin because of the rough rough world. I know woe is me **eyeroll** but still I have problems too lol. Okay so where was I we made out  A LOT  and it was soooo freaking hot. Jeez the young man is hot af and super duper smart ughhhhhhhh   GOD why me. It's killing me.  Okay killing is strong but it is certainly a death of some kind I swear LOL but no seriously I wish I would have met him like when he was nicer because we had some nice moments but all is well. Do I sound like a teenager girl? Sure, maybe. But hey I won't make this soliloquy too long. 

Okay I think I spoke about the books I was reading however, I want to discuss the books I want to read just so I have the list somewhere concrete. Also this would be a good opportunity to speak about my favorite books. 

Books I want to read: 

• The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky  
•  Desolation Angels by Jack Kerouac
• Beloved by Toni Morrison
• Bluest Eyes by Toni Morrison
• Salvation: Black People and Love by bell hooks
• Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë 
• The Passion According to G.H by Clarice Lispector
• Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
• The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone by Olivia Lang
• Romanticism by Duncan Wu
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-Time by Mark Haddon
• Neighbors and Other Stories by Diane Oliver

  My favorite books: 

• The Giver by Lois Lowry - I love this book. It means so much to me. I have read a ton of books and have a lot more reading to do however I remember this book being the first one that made a great impression on me. I can remember in middle school just reading getting lost in books that were good but never like this. Maybe Crank by Ellen Hopkins. I do not have the physical copy of the book it is at my mom's house in Kenner. I will try to find a quote hopefully it means a lot to you too. "I feel sorry for anyone who is in a place where he feels strange and stupid." "Of course they needed care. It was the meaning of everything." 
• On The Road by Jack Kerouac - my favorite book. I feel a sense of freedom every time I read this book. I read it for the first time and I felt a shift in my soul. Something beyond me. I read it years ago maybe before I graduated high school. I read it because I kept seeing quotes from Jack Kerouac on tumblr some came from this book some did not. I will add two of my favorite quotes here. "...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to lie, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." "Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever on the road." 

    I had a third favorite book The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath but after a re-read I can no longer relate to that book however I will put one of my favorite quotes: "I am. I am. I am." 

I actually wanted to tattoo that but I think if I had to get a tattoo it would be the world 'paradise' in a very cute minimalist cursive (duh) font. 

     I think this is a good place to end for the night. I have been reading Master, Slave Husband and Wife by Ilyon Won and it is really good. I have read books that are outside of my comfort or books in different genres that I have not read before but this book is different. So far I am not half way through the book however, I am eager to read about their journey. I am learning more about how hard it was for enslaved Africans to escape and how to do so was risking the lives of everyone they knew even if the people around did not know of their plan. I am also learning about how they "priced" slaves. There is a section in the book that discussed a doctor that did inhumane experiences of the enslaved like forcing pregnant women to get their "punishment" they would dig holes to fit their bellies, or burying enslaved people alive in a "smoking pit" because he wanted to test sunstroke medicines. All this made me cry and made me angry and made me happy that my bloodline endured those years of torture. 

I have two quotes I want to end off tonight. One because it is in my head and one because it really is my favorite quote. 

"I came down from my ivory tower and found no world." - Jack Kerouac

"In the late days peak I saw the hope." - Jack Kerouac 

** Also Shamanic dismemberment