How do you feel about asking for help? & songs / artists that I am into currently

 I do not like asking for help because I get awkward about it. Idk my heart starts palpitating or I get nervous. When I get embarrassed my ears get hot and sometimes they can get that way when I ask for help.  I also feel people think I am dumb when I ask for help (when I know I am intelligent)  but I obvi do not know everything. I do not know where this stems from and I think I can figure it out when I think about it hard enough and when I progress in therapy. Which also i do want to make a list about what or why I am going to therapy a good way to hold myself accountable. Hopefully when I have kids I do not make them feel like they cannot come to me for help. I also would like to teach my kids to ask for help in environments like an educational or professional one. 

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I love music, it is such a good way to allow someone else's word to speak for you. I wanted to list out the songs that have been in rotation:

• We Hug Now - Sydney Rose
• NDA - Meg Thee Stallion
• Rewind - Charli XCX ft bladee
• Everything is Romantic - Charli XCX ft Caroline Polachek
• I might say something stupid - Charli XCX ft the 1975 & Jon Hopkins
• Don't Smile - Sabrina Carpenter  
• Sandpaper - Zach Bryan ft Bruce Springsteen
• Memphis; The Blues - Zach Bryan ft Moreland
• Angels Forever Forever Angels - Lana Del Rey (unreleased) 

Okay so as my day in therapy grows closer I need to understand what I am hoping to get out of therapy and to not be nervous about what I say because it is a judgement free zone. I would like to add that I took her two assessments and I have slight depression and anxiety. I do not know why I am sad, I just am. If I allow my mind to wander then I am stuck somewhere I do not want to be. I want to be someone who is content I do not strive for happiness although that would be nice too but my soul is quite weary and not at all what I hoped for it to be at the ripe age of 29. But I digress for now. I did ask my ex what did he think I need to work on (this was before he starting going off on me for setting boundaries) and he said something to the effect (or is it affect...hmmm.........I think it's effect for sure) that I need to work on listening or learning how to compromise and why I intimacy issues. Which is totally something I can agree. I want to work on my: 

• parental issues ( I have a dad who does not like me and a mom I have never emotionally connected with)
• how to set better boundaries and strive to upkeep them
• anxiety 
• communication issues
• it is NOT me vs everyone it is ME vs the problem
• I guess why I am depressed
• why I self isolate (which to me I feel like it is safer to be alone. I am always daydreaming and have a happier time being by myself) I also (this is going to be a tangent)  I do not think people are genuine anymore. I do not get why people think life is a "game" or why it is a "dog eat dog world" I do not understand why people are not upfront about their intentions. I am jaded for sure but I have a childlike belief that everyone has good intentions because I want to believe that people are good so bad. 

I also want to say I have made mistakes. I am not always honest. I am not always kind but I wake up everyday with good intentions and hope to not purposefully hurt someone along the way. Oh yeah I wanted to say that I signed up for Hotworx!!! I did my first class Saturday and will try to find a good workout schedule that include both strength training and Hotworx. I think 3 days Hotworx & 2 days strength and HITT (both full body or alternate days). 

Also sorry for the random capitalization..this blog is not a formal piece it is just me speaking my thoughts whatever they may be. I hope that I am not disappointing but sometimes I feel that way :-( Anyways....be kind to yourself and others. 

Maybe me adding a gif every blog would be a nice way to end or begin :-) 

"I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to myself again." - Georgia O'Keefee

P.S The only thing on my mind is "So now what?" So now what happens when the feeling still comes. After you have done everything to busy your mind, declutter your thoughts & the. feeling. still. comes.