Maybe it is because I am always in my head, but I could spoken up more. I could have expressed myself in a better way. I could have worked out this morning or I could have worked out as soon as I got off of work. I could have been more honest to my therapist. (I KNOW a therapist???? 😯) I could have had better conversations. Today like tomorrow I hope I am kind to those I do not know since to me that is the best personality trait one can have.
💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
This is going to be a short blog because I have a headache. I also am having a a bad mental health day. I want to know the catalyst of why I am sad all the time. Is it self made? Is it because I have something that is in me that can never be satiated? Why this urge to run and hide? Why this longing? It perplexes me so much. I cannot help but think of this quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower (the book not the movie) and it goes, "And even if someone has it much worse that does not really change the fact you have what you have. Good and bad." Then I think about everyone who has much worse and then I get sad because of my superficial issues. So I want to dig myself out of this hole I created. I just do not know how, yet.
I do want to touch on how my therapist session went. I think she is nice I did make a list about what I noticed in the first session:
- friendly
- late (by 5 min)
- good speech about compassion and putting in the work
- direct
She did give me "homework".....well let me start from the beginning. I let her know that ya know I am 29, no kids, single that me and my ex broke up and we just stopped being on speaking terms maybe like 2 weeks ago almost. (there is a death that comes with that especially for someone who does not have a lot of friends, there are things I have seen or read or even thought that I know no one else would care about) but that's neither here, so then I spoke to her about my mom and dad and my two sisters. I let her know that I am not dating but when I turn 30 which happens next year I hope to start playing the field more and look for a boyfriend / long term partner....anyways. so she wants me to write down what I am looking for in my next partner........I think I touched on it briefly here but I honestly have no true idea. I thought what I was looking for was what my ex was but I do not know. Then I thought that the crush I had was what I was looking for in terms of what a guy (man?) I would want but I do not know. Now I am in this abyss floating not knowing what direction to go in. I will write the list throughout the next couple of weeks. Our next session is not until August 11. She also wanted me to figure out my attachment style.........actually let's do that right now......disorganized attachment style.........man oh man......anyways when I write the list I will add it to the blog.
That is all for now......
"It's not life or death, the labyrinth. Suffering. Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about the living or dying. How do you get out the labyrinth of suffering?" - John Green
P.S I am going to do my yearly re-read of Perks of Being a Wallflower.
P.P.S - DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT????? OMG.......okay let's do some research...just did the research. My headache got worse omg I gotta go.
Comments
Post a Comment