What has been on my mind lately? + Anger

 

I am sorry this has gif has nothing to do with anything I just think it is so cute and I love it. <3. 

What  has been on my mind lately? I can make a small bulletin list because I am in class and I have to go workout to make sure I burn my calories I need. 

• Unrequited crush - Heartbreaking, despair, devastation, torment, torture, agonizing
• Halloween - Vampire, Poison Ivy, Fairy (soo cute)
• Weight Loss - I am hoping to lose 20 lbs by October, I am going to buy my running shoes on Tuesday, July 15. I am going to start running July 19th, and I continue being in my calorie deficit so I can be at my goal. I am going to also make sure I am working out while I am going on my trips even if it is for 30 min. 
• Cleaning - I need to clean my closet and organize my clothes
• School - Type up my idea and CITO 
• Life - I am upset about the driving school and how they are giving me the run around about getting my license, not getting a raise when I thought I was going to get one, where do I want to live when I get close to graduating, my nephew and hopefully he is feeling better, visiting D.C in October.
• Hobbies - Want to take a pottery class and maybe a sewing class (?) That would be fun and cool 
• News - How do we stay hopeful in this administration? I follow a Tik Tok whose goal is to share all the good news happening. Watching other countries shoot down their countries' right wing parties (France for example)
• Books  - I am reading a book a friend gave me, I am going to call him a friend because I think he is even if he does not want to be >:-(. Also the book my uncle gave me. I gave my friend my The Hour of Stars. 

I think that is it, I wanted to speak more about anger. Simply because I try my best not to feel anger because it does not make me feel good. I cannot remember the last time I got truly angry. I can remember when I should have been angry but I think that was more where I should have stuck up for myself more. I do not think anger is a bad emotion per say, I just find that when I am overwhelmed I cry because I feel unheard (?) or not being able  communicate effectively. I also found my dad had random burst of anger and I did not want be like that. I also did not want to be a person who exploded over trivial things. I suppose now I am more apathetic about most things now. I also can remember reading a quote that people tend to tell the truth more when they are angry or scared. So I try not to be the person who says mean and spiteful things because they are hurt. Things that are said with that intention behind them are harder to forget and even harder to forgive. I can remember my ex being very angry at me and kicked me out of his place twice on two separate occasions, those memories are ingrained in my head. Even when he cheated on my a couple of time I did not get angry I was more disappointed. Idk blog, I am trying to be real but I want to make sure I am not talking about anyone negatively. I am just remembering moments of anger from various people in my life and he happens to be one of them. I think that is all for today to be honest. I do not have much to say today. I also want to say when you are in an argument with someone you should not raise your voice because your words are not being heard only your tone. Unfortunately for me when someone yells at me I cry. It is just an automatic trigger for me. I suppose there might have been moments where I got yelled at in my childhood but I truly have bleached that part of my life out of my mind. (idk if bleached is the right word but I'll keep it it helps paint a good mental image). 

I am not as sad as I have been. I am more just "eh" which there is probably a word for that lets see.........melancholy.......which I knew but I did see the word doldrum but it just did not fit here lol.

"I am awfully greedy; I want everything form life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and unselfish. You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger." - Simon de Beauvoir.