Which month of summer was most memorable to you and why? and vulnerability

 *** I want to preface this prompt by saying that I finished my 12 prompts from the very first journal, and I enjoyed starting the blog with a central idea or dialogue and going from there.  This prompt or question comes from Tumblr. (I know so 2000 and late) My Tumblr name is ttropico.tumblr.com I have had it since I was 13 so 14 or 15 years now, I have seen the rise and fall.

 Anyways back to the prompt at hand...I feel like July emulates Summer for me. I don't know why I just feel the trees seem greener, the sunsets are pinker and the smell of cut grass is always in the air. I can appreciate the Summer rainstorms (only if I am not walking in them). I am trying to think about what quote makes me remember Summer, "Oh what fools these mortal be", in Midsummer's Night Dream. I need to finish reading it and I need see if there was a movie of it as well. I think the month that feels the least like Summer is August. April and August are always my worst months. However, that is not the prompt at hand. What else can I say about July? I guess I can say it reminds me that every day is the new beginning. I admire the warmth of the sun, although I complain about the heat. I admire the flittering beams of sunlight when it hits a pool. I admire the way the sun rises early in the morning waking up the world and giving it energy. I just read about how the month July was named. I used to do a quote when I did have a Twitter every first of the new month. I think I like July the most because the nights seems like a warm hug. I imagine walking under the city lights in July with a friend or a potential love interests and just appreciating the weather and the moment for what it is. 

___________

Okay, I try to remember what I write in these blogs entries. I am going to talk about what I think being vulnerable is vs what I am presenting and how they do not match. I think being vulnerable is brave, I think it takes courage. I believe that when you are vulnerable there is another depth of the soul that is reached. When you are able to communicate effectively and without being afraid you are able to be intimate with people in your life. I am getting told I am difficult, that I am hard to get to know, that I have a wall up — I even had one person tell me "getting to know me is like pulling teeth". How do I respond to these? Do I respond explaining why? Or do I just allow myself to painted like a rock? Do I try to be vulnerable? But what even is that? How do I be vulnerable? If I lived in a world where I was emotionally intelligent (WHICH WILL HAPPEN)  I imagine me being able to get to know someone and say "Hey I like you" or "Hey I would like to get to know you and I hope the feeling is mutual." It would be nice to have a friend to be emotionally available with, too. I think I am in the era of making sure I am not brining any of my 20s problems in my 30s, I have to get figure out to be better for myself. Vulnerability is truth and courage. 

When I was in a relationship I was afraid of intimacy. I was a afraid because I did not want an emotionally volatile reaction and often he would not respond in a way that was comfortable. I was not able to fully express myself and then I got told that I was afraid of "intimacy" when the environment was not comfortable. I am going to talk about my relationship more than I think I would in any other space. I can remember when we got into a bad argument on Jan 1 and I started to cry and then he said "Stop trying to use your tears like a victim." Where was I supposed to feel safe, when those comments were standard? How was I supposed to feel vulnerable be "in touch" with my inner femininity when I was on the defense. I understand I was not a perfect girlfriend but no one deserves reactions to their emotions like that. I suppose my fear of expressing my feelings did not start with him but with my parents as well. I do not know if I am ever going to speak on my relationship with my parents. I do not if there is much to tell. I do not know how to think or speak about them without feeling inadequate. I think this is a good place to end the blog because I am getting sad now. 

*** I understand to get through (whatever I am going through) I have to pass through it (feel all the things and be okay with that). I am going to learn to appreciate the small moments so I am not lingering over the sad ones. Also in times of sadness my favorite song is On Your Side by A Rocket to the Moon, it makes me happy. 

"The earth laughs in flowers." –Ralph Waldo Emerson