Therapy + understanding patterns and how to regulate my emotions

 I  did therapy and I am having a bit of a hard time. We talked about my attachment style (disorganized attachment) and it was a lot. I think my biggest take away here is that I have a fear of closeness and this is going to sound crazy but my parents did not talk to us (my sister + I) my dad was not in the home since he was in the Army. However, my mom did not speak to us, she yelled a lot, only spoke to us about grades and our eldest sister, she did not try to get to know us as teenagers. I can remember her calling the music I liked "devil music" (like hello what year is this bffr)...my sister also reminded me of something other stuff she did but I won't ever type or say those things aloud. It is sad and I don't remember my childhood too much but the stuff I do remember really does not bring forth any positive emotions. When my dad was around he did not speak to us, it was very quiet. He did not tell us much about him, he did not like his upbringing, he kept us away from his side of the family (his brothers) and he had PTSD so he yelled for small things that I would not yell at a mouse about. 

Secondly, I was talking to my therapist about my list I posted over the weekend and apparently when I was speaking about what I would want I would stop and say what my ex said I wasn't. She then goes to say that I internalized all the things he said to me and I should. So I am like "Yeah but he did not mean it to be rude on purpose." She says, "Whenever someone intentionally saying negative things about you it is on purpose." I guess this was an eye opener for me because I guess I made excuses for him (even my sister said so) omg...!! But I would like to say I always said that he never liked me but the idea of what I could be or he always listed things I would do for him and not actual traits. It has been a hard couple of months I must admit realizing someone you had/have on a pedestal is not who they really are. I guess I am taking off my rose colored lens glasses. I do not like disparaging my ex in any manner but here I am....

Third and finally, I spoke to him on Saturday because I did not realize my oxyshread and a check was getting sent to his house. I called him 3 times no response, texted him no response, apparently he blocked me b/c I reached out to him on IG and he responded. I am cackling because I did not know or noticed he even did that. Since this was my first time reaching out since the whole cursing incident. (Which he did not even apologize sincerely). 

I think this session has given me things to think about. How to communicate better, how to break out of patterns. I think she would have been helpful for me after our first breakup. I would say something he did not like about me is my "intensity" - I am a very passionate person so I feel like being with someone who did not like that has stifled me now and now I do not know how to ignite it back. I do not know how to be myself anymore and I do not know who myself is now. I hope to find her soon and I hope when I do she is happy. 

"To be understood was my desire." - Sinéad O'Connor (RIP) 

P.S I came back to say a person read my blog!!!!! They did not think it was weird yayyyyyy :-) 

Song I like a lot