Okay today, I was thinking about lies I have been told and while I know we are not perfect so I do expect people to lie but I always say "You can tell the truth to me" literally because I am not about to beat you up (one because I cannot fight). Two because the truth shall set you free. However, I believe if you believe the lies you tell then they are the truth....like who am I to judge. Anyways, before I go off onto a morally gray rant (lol). The worst lie I think ever told to me was my ex saying that he cheated on me 3 weeks before my birthday, (mind you I will tell you why it is the worst lie I have ever been told), and then for my birthday did like one little 'Happy Birthday' sign, no balloons, only got me a daq and Walk ons (how embarrassing) and that was it. After we broke up and I moved to BR, he told me he only said he cheated on me because he wanted me to break up with him and when I did not he decided to "suck it up" (we ended up staying together for two more years)......but he keeps saying "I wasted his time" and now that I have recalled this memory if he says that again I will bring that up. I am not about to be labeled a "time thief" when I gave two more years of my life and I wish I would have just broken up with him.
Which brings me to my lie...I guess the lie I was happy that it was not always meant to be "happy" or feel good moments that sex dwindled down, that feeling the way I felt in that relationship. I allowed myself to be spoken to in a way that was undermining the value of myself, that getting cheated on was acceptable, that not being able to express myself was okay, that not being able to feel comfortable was just temporary. I am happy that I am out but sad that I did not get out sooner.
I am always trying to remember the being vs ego or is it being vs ego vs self. Is the ego part of the self or is it its own separate entity? I think about how people act when they are alone that is their 'self' that is who that are when no one is watching. The ego is what appears when you're uncomfortable, when you are around people who may not know who the real 'you' is. I think that would be my answer is someone asked me. Let see what various philosophers thought about 'self'....
- Aristotle believes: "If then the soul is of its very nature divisible, what holds it together? Not the body, certainly: much rather the contrary seems to be true, that the soul holds the body together; for when it departs, the body expires and decomposes. If there is some other thing which makes it one, this other is rather the soul. One would then have to ask, concerning this other, whether it be one or of many parts. If it is one, why not call it the soul straightway? But if it is divisible, reason again demands, what it is that holds this together? And so on ad infinitum"
- Nietzsche believes that in order to be the most 'empowered' version of yourself you have to not answer the question but live it, "What have you up into now truly loved, what has drawn your soul upward, mastered it, blessed it it too?"
- Socrates was concerned with the 'problem of self'. He believed in dualistic (made up of body and soul). "An unexamined life is a life not worth living." (Reflect upon everything). There is a soul before the body exists, when it comes to the material world it forgets about everything from your past life.
Every life, every reincarnation is a chance to learn, to understand, and grow. I think that the reason why I am here in this lifetime is to learn my emotions. What I mean by that is expressing them, understanding them, not being repressed and knowing how to make those around me feel seen and heard. I can tell by the situations that I am placed in that another reason I am here is to not give into all my desires (corrosive desires) desires that are not good for the soul but good for the ego. I am trying I am remaining celibate, no dating apps, no flirting, no anything.
((Found a good article and a good video about philosophy. I wanted to write more but I wanted to watch the video and come back. ))
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I had my therapy consultation last week (for a new therapist) and I liked her. She def connected with me better than the first one and O can tell she is going to call me out when I need it. She also gives 'homework'. One thing I will say my first therapist and I did not connect it was something there that just wasn't happening. If it is not an instantaneous connection then I do not want to continue it, she (the new therapist) asked if I told my other therapist why I did not want to see her anymore and I do not like confrontation so I told her 'no'. I did not have any critique it was mostly just a feeling. Speaking of feelings, I feel okay. I feel like I am putting myself out there to connect with people, that I am working on not being so tight or strict. At least that is how I feel. I have been disconnecting from my phone more and finding things to do with my hands that is not doom scrolling.
I had written a list of books by certain philosopher but after reading that article I linked I want to read Nietzsche. Anyways, I am going to attach a picture I took and thanks for listening!
"Everyone else can fuck off because I only want you. I only want to be wanted by you."
P.S. I thought this was cool <3
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