Which is worse, never making an attempt or failing while trying? + Halloween article + Idea about articles + lack of connections
The worse is never making an attempt at doing something. For instance, I have a fear of rain and driving simply because that is learned (observed) behavior. I also wanted to look up if fear was a social construct or a biological / psychological and it is both. Perceptions help either deter the fear or feed it and while failure can seem scary who exactly are we failing and by what standards? Are we failing because of the standards we set for ourselves or are we failing because of social conformity (ideas set by family, friends, partner or just plainly society). I have made several attempts to ensure that I am working out, I tried different things like schedules, looking into Classpass, taking up running, walking to break up the monotony of the workout week but I kept failing because I was forcing myself to just because I knew (my now ex) did not like what I looked like. However, now that I am working out on my own terms and doing something that makes me happy, I am no longer afraid of attempting a new workout class or routine.
So here I am attempting to make sure I do not live my life afraid, that I attempt life over and over. That I can become again and again. There is always a time for a new beginning but do it afraid. As long as you are not hurting anyone or yourself.
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Okay so here I am eating my Atomic Burger and then I started Internet cruising as one usually does. I stumbled upon this article and it is a collection of articles about Halloween (i.e the Great Pumpkin from It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown) somehow I stumbled upon an JSTOR article Halloween in America: Contemporary Customs and Performances and I learned a lot about Halloween, the Celtic and their beliefs, the idea about witches and fairies, and Pan (a Greek nature god with his "horns, cloven hooves, his goat like, animal nature and well as the passionate ecstasy of female devotees) took shape as what Christians depict as the Christian Devil. I learned about the story behind the Jack-o-latern which is a blacksmith named Jack who was a wandering spirit because he was too evil to get into heaven and outwitted the devil so he was not sent to hell. He scoops glowing coal in the vegetable he is eating and then uses it as a light as he wanders the earth. ** I did not know the story about Jack but it is interesting to know.
So I guess what I bought this particle article is because I saw a young girl on Tik Tok talk about reading articles and taking notes, a way to ensure that she is always learning. Understandably, I chose Halloween because it is in 19 days :-) I am going to attempt to start reading one before I blog. Additionally, I think I am keeping up the schedule I set for writing but I am not sure. I know I said Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday. I may not always write on Friday but I think about just going down to two days a week. I think I should have put my next therapy session this week but it is not until October 30th. As by the title you can see I want to talk about lack of connections. I guess what I mean by that is because I invited a friend to dinner yesterday (love love Ms. Shirley's big shout out) and we did not end up going because I was like okay I'll be ready by 8pm - 8:15pm and I was like it might a 30 min wait (mind you I have been to Ms. Shirley's before and there is a bar next door ((while Pierre and I made the best of the situation))) this friend was like "don't worry about it I am hungry now" typically at this point what I would have did was try to convince him to go anyways but then I am like "okay this is my hard earned money, I can just order DoorDash, put on jammies and then relax" so that is exactly what I did. I am like "okay this is disappointing" but not surprising because this who is that person is. Someone who does not like to connect unless it is on their terms. I want to connect with people more, connect on a subconscious level because surface level conservation while fun can be boring or monotonous.
Example of a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago about body count told in a third person / omnipresent perspective:
Anissa: Body counts reset every year....just kidding.
Jamal: Oh I should use that so I don't look like a whore.
Anissa: Who cares what your body count is you cannot go unf*ck them.
Jamal: Some people care but it can help stop looking like one.
Anissa: Well I don't ask people questions like that so I will never know there are better things to talk about.
Jamal: Like what?
Anissa: The sunset, the sunrise when the last time you took a photo of the sky?
***End***
Idk what the dating pool is like out there but at 30 years old if I get asked about body count I am ending communication. (yes I will be that strict) I yearn to be connected to someone that gets it and I have not found that person.
I think this blog is long and I need to get back to doing homework. I want to attach a photo of the sky I took recently.
"I am constantly embarrassed. I fidget and twist my hair and pull weird faces and stutter. Some days I feel quite confident then other there's a microscopic flaw about myself physically, which will make me embarrassed to walk the streets." - Graham Coxon
P.S I came back to say I watched this movie called The Bat and it was super great. This has been a good movie month for me :-)
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